Essay Grade

Australian Social Work, 2016
Vol. 69, No. 1, 92–104, http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/0312407X.2015.1004355
Disconnection and Decision-making: Adult Children Explain Their
Reasons for Estranging from Parents
Kylie Agllias*
School Humanities and Social Science, University of Newcastle, Callaghan, NSW, Australia
Abstract
This article reports on a qualitative study of adult children who were estranged from at least
one parent. Twenty-six Australian participants reported a total of 40 estrangements. Of these,
23 estrangements were initiated by the participant and 16 were maintained by the participant after
being initiated by the parent or occurring after a mutual lessening of contact. Participants reported
three core reasons for estrangement: (i) abuse, (ii) poor parenting, and (iii) betrayal. However,
estrangement was predominantly situated in long-term perceived or actual disconnection from the
parent and family of origin. Most participants had engaged in cycles of estrangement and
reunification, using distance to assess the relationship and attend to their own personal development
and growth across time. Estrangement was generally triggered by a relatively minor incident or a
more serious act of betrayal considered to have been enacted by the parent.
Keywords: Family Estrangement; Abuse; Conflict; Adult Children
Intergenerational relationships are usually the longest and arguably the most important
relationships experienced during the life span (Cooney, 1997). However, there are
challenges inherent in long and intimate relationships, and the coalescence of
intergenerational issues may be exacerbated by the emergence of four-generational living
families. Adults are more likely to experience conflict and ambivalence with kin than
with non kin (Fingerman et al., 2004). Van Gaalen and Dykstra (2006) suggested that
balancing historical family experiences, with culturally scripted ideas about filial
responsibility and personal needs and goals can be a source of tension. Despite this,
the majority of families exhibit high levels of solidarity, as well as bidirectional and
mutually beneficial care and support (Dykstra & Fokkema, 2011).
Recent UK research (IpsosMORI, 2014) found that 8% of those surveyed (n = 2,082)
were physically estranged from a family member, suggesting that social workers will
encounter estranged clients in practice. For instance, there is a growing recognition
of parental alienation connected to divorce, family court proceedings, and in child
protection (Baker & Chambers, 2011; Friedlander & Gans Walters, 2010). Those working
with older people and in palliative settings regularly witness the effects of estrangement on
quality of support and end-of-life decision-making (Kramer et al., 2006; Peisah et al., 2006).
Workers might see clients to specifically address the effects of family estrangement, but
in many instances estrangement is intricately entwined with other experiences such as
*Correspondence to: Dr Kylie Agllias, School Humanities and Social Science, University of Newcastle,
University Drive, Callaghan, NSW 2308, Australia. Email: Kylie.Agllias@newcastle.edu.au
Accepted 26 November 2014
© 2015 Australian Association of Social Workers
Australian Social Work 93
homelessness, drug and alcohol dependence, and poor mental health (Agllias, 2011;
Short, 1996).
Given the mounting evidence that estrangement contributes to a number of negative
conditions ranging from traumatic responses to ongoing stress, to lack of instrumental
support and isolation (Agllias, 2013), it is important to understand the reasons that some
families estrange in order to provide relevant intervention. This paper reports on an
Australian investigation that explored the experiences of 26 adults estranged from at least
one parent. It follows on from a 2009/2010 investigation of older parents estranged from
at least one adult child to extend knowledge about intergenerational estrangement, and
potentially compare and contrast the experiences of the two generations (Agllias, 2013,
2015). This paper focuses on the adult child’s explanations for estrangement. It makes no
claim about causation, rather offering a phenomenological examination of the adult
child’s beliefs, ideas, and musings about their estrangement. It compares these to the
explanations given by parents in previous studies, particularly those which offer clues
about points for social work research and intervention.
The Origins of Parent and Adult Child Estrangement
There has been a steady increase in research into the later-life intergenerational family
since the 1970s, including examinations of intergenerational solidarity, family support,
conflict, and ambivalence. However, there is a dearth of literature, and particularly
research, about family relationships that are considered solely problematic or cease
altogether. “Family estrangement” is rarely defined or considered. Generally estrangement is characterised by some degree of physical distancing, and a significant lack of
emotional intimacy and trust (Sucov, 2006). When all contact ceases this is referred to as
a “physical estrangement” (Agllias, 2011). When family members are uncomfortable with
each other and avoid or minimise contact, this is referred to as “emotional estrangement”
(Agllias, 2011).
One of the most commonly cited challenges to the adult child and parent relationship
is the tension between connection and separateness throughout the life-course. Early
family therapists suggested that it was important for the adult child to renegotiate and
terminate the hierarchical boundary to the point where they achieved psychological
equality with the parent and personal authority within their own lives (Williamson,
1981). Murray Bowen was the originator of the concept of “emotional cut-off”, which
has similarities to the aforementioned definition of estrangement (Bowen, 1982). He
suggested that estrangement was most likely to occur when the parent–child relationship
was too emotionally fused or intense, where family expressions, beliefs, behaviours, and
traditions were adopted and acted out automatically. In this schema, estrangement acts as
a regulator of tension created by excessive fusion. In some instances triangulation, where
a third party is recruited into the conflict between two parties, can temporarily relieve
tension or exacerbate estrangement (Bowen, 1982). Research also confirms that excessive
contact, support, and dependence can have negative effects on intergenerational
relationships, especially when a parent’s health deteriorates, the adult child’s caregiving
responsibilities increase, or when an estranged child resumes contact as a result
(Fingerman et al., 2008; Peisah et al., 2006).
Changes in marital status such as separation, divorce, or widowhood often cause
stress in intergenerational relationships (Daatland, 2007; Doyle et al., 2010). Parental
alienation, where one parent uses manipulative tactics to recruit a child to side with them
94 K. Agllias
against the other parent continues to be viewed as a source of intergenerational
disruption (Meier, 2009). Some theorise that life cycle transition periods, where
individual needs and expectations might be incompatible, seem to make family
relationships vulnerable (LeBey, 2001). Others suggest that estrangement is likely to
occur when a member feels they have been betrayed by another or when ineffective
patterns of communication and dispute resolution are established (LeBey, 2001; Sichel,
2004). Attachment theory proposes that people with avoidant attachment styles are most
likely to withdraw from an attachment relationship at times of conflict (Fraley &
Brumbaugh, 2007).
While these theories and studies are important in highlighting areas for potential
conflict, ambivalence, and estrangement, they may not capture the complexity of such a
significant relationship breakdown. Agllias’s (2015) study of parents estranged by at least
one adult child found that the development of estrangement was a long and complex
process, and probably not directly attributable to one primary factor. Parents offered
three core—but not mutually exclusive—explanations for their child deciding to estrange
them: (i) the adult child made a choice between the parent and someone or something
else, (ii) there was an inability to sustain an emotional connection due to disparate values
and behaviours, and (iii) the adult child punished the older person for a perceived
wrongdoing. However, most parents also pondered possible socio-historic contributors,
including parental divorce, domestic violence, ill health, and family conflict. They
described events across the child’s life span, “that could have been perceived as dangerous,
lowering the parent’s worth, exploitative, or rejecting” (Agllias, 2015, p. 125), by the
adult child. The study suggested a “complex interplay of long term factors—
and particularly non-normative stressors—that appear[ed] to erode the relationship
between parents and children and ultimately result in estrangement” (Agllias, 2015,
p. 214).
The most recent available estrangement research used in-depth narrative interviews
to examine the communicative practices of adult children in the USA who had distanced
themselves from a parent (n = 52) (Scharp et al., 2014). Scharp et al. (2014) examined the
complex backstories told by participants in order to deconstruct their estrangement
decision. They found that estrangement was complex and historically derived, with
narratives consistently including participant experiences of past and current parental
abuse and indifference. Backstories included periods of distancing and reconciliation,
where adult children felt pressure from distal expectations or proximal relationships, to
maintain the parental bond. The catalyst for estrangement was either an internal decision
to estrange or an external event that came as the “last straw” (Scharp et al., 2014).
An online survey gathered information from a mismatched sample of estranged
parents (n = 546) and children (n = 352) (Carr et al., in press). The researchers
hypothesised that estranged relationships would exhibit a lack of perspective-taking, so
participants were asked what they believed to be the reason for their estrangement for
comparative purposes. While survey responses were open ended, the researchers only
recorded one primary attribution for each respondent, so it is possible that the
complexity of estrangement is underrepresented in the study findings. The three most
common attributions by parents were “objectionable relationships”, where the parent
believed the child estranged due to third party influence (28.6%), “divorce” and parental
alienation (13.2%), and “toxicity” explained as constant disrespect from the adult child
(8.3%). Adult children’s most frequent attributions were “toxicity” including hurt,
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disrespect, and cruelty from the parent (22.4%), feeling “unsupported or unaccepted” by
the parent (14.8%), and “abuse” either perpetrated by a parent or another party (13.9%).
Similarities can be seen between Agllias’s (2015) and Carr et al.’s (in press) parental
sample where third-party influence and impacts of divorce both featured. There are also
similarities between Scharp et al.’s (2014) study and Carr et al.’s (in press) where abuse
and elements of toxicity and feeling unsupported featured in both adult child samples.
Methodology
The study of family estrangement is relatively complex and under researched, so an
exploratory qualitative design was employed to understand how participants defined,
explained, experienced, and made meaning of the phenomenon. Due to previous research
that showed that estranged parents were often unsure of the reason for estrangement and
the possibility that adult children might have very different perspectives to the parent
sample, it was important to approach the study without priori assumptions about their
responses. Ethics clearance was granted from the University of Newcastle Ethics
Committee in February 2012, which operates in accordance with the Australian National
Statement on Ethical Conduct in Human Research, 2007 (Australian Government, 2007).
Ethical considerations included the potential of participants to have adverse reactions
while telling their estrangement story, and measures were employed to identify
vulnerability, reduce retraumatisation during the interviews, and ensure adequate referral
pathways were available if required. Possible study limitations included the retrospective
collection of data, making it susceptible to participants’ lapses of memory and prosocial
reporting of personal choices and actions.
Sampling and Recruitment
Radio and print media were used to recruit adult children with a current experience of
estrangement from at least one parent. Participants were informed that they would be
asked to detail their history and daily experience of estrangement to advance understandings of this phenomenon. Twenty-six participants, who were estranged from 40
parents were recruited from New South Wales and Victoria (in this study parents relates
to biological or adoptive parents, as participants did not speak about being estranged
from step-parents). There were 20 women and six men, including one couple (who were
estranged from both parents respectively). Participants were aged between 30 and
55 years with a mean age of 44.
Data Collection
In-depth interviews were conducted with 26 participants initially. Interviews commenced
with a grand-tour question, and participants were encouraged to guide the interview in
the direction most useful to them, with primarily clarifying and probing questions
throughout. A preliminary data analysis report was forwarded to each participant
approximately six months later. At this time participants were invited to participate in a
second in-depth interview to discuss further developments in their estrangement and
“member checking” also occurred at this time. A second in-depth interview was
conducted with six participants. Of the participants who did not participate, the majority
replied to the invitation and stated that they were satisfied with the preliminary findings
96 K. Agllias
but had nothing further to add. Free-text diaries were offered to participants who wished
to record additional data between interviews and two participants used the diaries during
this period. Data were collected between March and December 2012.
Data Analysis
Interviews were transcribed verbatim and analysed alongside diary entries, using the
NVivo software package (QSR International Pty Ltd, 2012). Interpretive phenomenological analysis, guided by the work of Smith, Flowers, and Larkin (2009) and van Manen
(1990), was used throughout the project to explore and understand the estrangement
experience and the meanings ascribed to it. Emergent themes were analysed in each data
source before connections and comparisons were made across the entire data set.
Findings
The study findings offer a phenomenological examination of the adult child’s beliefs,
ideas, and musings about their estrangement. Participants reported 40 current estrangements from parents (23 mothers and 17 fathers) at the time of the first interview. Of
these, 23 estrangements were initiated by the participant and 16 were maintained by the
participant after being initiated by the parent or occurring after a mutual lessening of
contact, while one was initiated by the parent to the dissatisfaction of the participant. The
majority of participants (n = 14) were estranged from both parents; nine from their
mother only, and three from their father only. There were 36 physical estrangements and
four emotional estrangements. Physical estrangements ranged from one month to 39
years, with the average lasting around 8.5 years. Long-term emotional disconnection was
also a component of many participant’s lives, with 18 out of 26 participants saying they
were emotionally estranged from at least one parent during childhood (accounting for 25
estrangements). Five female participants, who were estranged from their mother only,
had also experienced at least one period of physical estrangement from their father. One
female participant had begun to reconcile with her father at the time of the second
interview, and no longer classified herself as estranged from him. Four participants were
estranged from a parent at the time of their death and these estrangements are counted in
this data.
The participants in this study attributed their estrangement to a number of negative
parental characteristics and parental behaviours enacted throughout their lives that
impacted on and eroded the trust and goodwill in the intergenerational bond. These were
categorised under three primary themes: (i) abuse, (ii) poor parenting, and (iii) betrayal.
It was unusual for estrangement to occur after one incident of perceived abuse, conflict,
or betrayal. Rather, the majority of participants suggested that their current estrangement
was foregrounded by a long-term sense of disconnection from their parent or parents or
periods of physical separation during childhood. Most engaged in cycles of estrangement
and reunification over decades, where they examined and experimented with the
relationship as well as “being alone”. It was most often in response to a relatively minor
incident or an act of betrayal that occurred during a period of reunification, that the
participant ultimately concluded that the negative or destructive elements of the
relationship were immovable. At this point they made a decision to initiate estrangement,
or not to attempt reunification, in order to protect themselves. Participants said that
across these cycles and over time they tended to shift their attention and energy away
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from the parental relationship towards personal and nuclear family health, wellbeing, and
growth, which made it easier to live with the estrangement. A minority of participants
had estranged from a parent after one incident of perceived conflict or betrayal
(accounting for eight estrangements). Another small group of participants stated that
they had a long-term physical estrangement from a parent that originated in childhood
and remained intact after a brief encounter or the participant’s refusal to meet
(accounting for three estrangements). Only one participant stated that he was dissatisfied
with the estrangement, never felt parental disconnection, and had not experienced abuse,
betrayal, or poor parenting. He hoped for recontact. It is important to note that this
participant’s story was much more consistent with data and findings reported in the
initial study, where estrangement was attributed to third party interference, so it will not
be reported on further in this paper (Agllias, 2015).
Long-term Disconnection
Childhood disconnection was mentioned by the majority of participants as a backdrop to
the estrangement decision. Sometimes participants explained the disconnection in
relation to early attachment experiences or a feeling that their parent had nothing
emotional to offer them as a child. Participants often described childhood disconnection
as a feeling that they did not “belong” to this family: “I always said my whole time that I
lived at home, I don’t belong to this family… .I’ve got to be adopted” (Karen, Interview;
pseudonyms have been used to ensure participant confidentiality). Childhood disconnection was recognised as a distinct lack of attention or presence by the parent or
parents. In some instances, disconnect was a direct result of the parent being physically
absent from the child’s life, sometimes from birth but usually after relationship
breakdown or divorce. Some participants also spoke of being prevented from seeing
nonresidential parents: “[My mother] made it harder and harder and harder for us to see
him. Coincidentally if he’d have access we’d be out and he’d arrive at the door and we’d
be gone….Dad disappeared completely over those years” (Debbie, Interview).
Disconnection was often experienced as “being the odd one out” as children started
to grow and reach adulthood, and participants often spoke about feeling like they
didn’t “fit in”. They spoke about seeing things differently to their parents and this was
often related to values, beliefs, and ideas about issues such as religion, prioritising an
education, de facto relationships, and work ethic. In adulthood, disconnection was
often highlighted by the parent’s disinterest in grandchildren and the absence of family
stories. Participants found this disconnection and lack of “sharing” particularly difficult
in certain key periods of their lives; for example, getting married, or when pregnant: “I
have no connection to my family. My kids have been doing the family tree and I’m
going what was my mother’s surname, what was her maiden name? I have no idea”
(Karen, Interview 1).
Three Core Contributors to Estrangement
When participants were asked why they estranged from parents they offered three core
reasons that were rarely experienced singularly: abuse, poor parenting, and betrayal.
Disconnection formed the background to abuse, poor parenting, and betrayal, either
stemming from, or contributing to, these issues.
98 K. Agllias
Abuse
The majority of participants cited “abuse” as core to their decision to estrange from one
or both parents. They described significant physical, sexual, and emotional abuse that
was perpetrated by their parent(s) primarily in childhood, but sometimes into adulthood:
“Very traumatic childhood; basically, beaten by my father; verbally abused and beaten by
my mother. My mum’s an alcoholic. She used to over-sexualise us as children” (Tracey,
Interview). However, many of the participants who stated that estrangement was
connected to abuse had experienced abuse at the hands of someone other than the
estranged parent. For them, abuse was often linked to betrayal. They suggested that their
parent betrayed them because they failed to protect them, they minimised, overlooked, or
colluded in the abuse.
In other instances the estrangement stemmed from the period when the child or
adult child disclosed sexual abuse and was not believed by their parent or received a
response that was inappropriate or inadequate for the situation. Additionally there were a
few cases where participants estranged from their parent after discovering that the parent
or the parent’s partner had physically or sexually assaulted another member of their
family. Again, the subsequent estrangement from a nonperpetrating parent was often
explained as a result of that parent’s denial of the situation.
The majority of participants also described emotional abuse that ranged from the
most commonly cited “name calling” and belittling to manipulative mind games and
bullying. Emotional abuse was also often connected to denigrating the other parent,
telling the child that they weren’t planned or wanted, or that other parent didn’t love
them. Rita stated, “I was a filthy, ugly little slut. Who would ever look at you. Even your
own father hates you” (Interview).
Poor Parenting
While disconnection and abuse constitute poor parenting by themselves, participants
described other behaviours that they considered “poor parenting”. They spoke of
authoritarian parenting styles, where parents were demanding and highly critical of the
child. Shaming, scapegoating, and favouritism were commonly mentioned. Attention and
affection were often conditional on adherence to the opinions and demands of the
parent: “I had to say the things that she wanted to hear, I had to think the things that she
wanted me to think, I had to be there for her on her demand” (Tina, Interview).
Parentification was common, with many participants saying that they were responsible
for housework and childcare beyond the normal expectations of childhood. Cynthia said: “I
was the house cleaner. I did everything… .It had to be perfect… .Can you imagine how
terrified I was every time I did anything in that house?” (Interview). Parentification was
also marked by inappropriate sharing of emotional and relationship issues, or the child
holding onto secrets. Parents were regularly perceived as using their children for extra
emotional and physical support: “[I] had to watch her… .She tried to overdose numerous
times and that. So you had to kind of—I’d stand in the doorway” (Karen, Interview).
In adulthood participants denoted poor parenting as a lack of parental support as
well as a lack of interest in, or disconnection from, their family. Participants often
perceived poor parenting originating from adults who they described as self-centred,
attention seeking and demanding, or absent across their lifespan. They described parents
who were often manipulative, dishonest, and powerful, although some suggested this was
fuelled by feelings of inadequacy. A small group also described the parent as weak or
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powerless in some areas and particularly relationships (e.g., against an abusive partner or
parent).
Betrayal
Although childhood abuse would seem to be the ultimate betrayal, participants identified
additional acts of betrayal across the lifespan that contributed to their decision to
estrange. Betrayal was often associated with family secrets and lies that, once exposed,
contributed to participant disbelief, pain, and embarrassment. Acts of betrayal ranged
from small acts of rejection to long-held secrets and significant acts of sabotage.
Teenagers and adults were often dismayed that important information was kept from
them: “They said that [my dad] ran away…. But he didn’t, he went to gaol, but I didn’t
know until…I was, maybe 25, I didn’t know why and that pissed me off too” (Lori,
Interview). Sometimes the betrayal might have been a cruel public slight or being
overlooked for a family event. Sometimes it was enacted by taking something from the
participant, an invasion of privacy or a perceived act of selfishness.
In adulthood, betrayal often took the form of the parent undermining the
participant’s relationships with others. This was particularly so for the participant’s
romantic or marital relationships where the parent might side with the participant’s
partner, collude with them in custody cases, or attempt to have sexual relationships with
them. Often betrayal was “discovered” in adulthood, although it had been committed
during or since childhood. For example, Brenda found out that her mother had used her
childhood health condition to gain favours and commit fraud. Laura discovered that her
father had been having affairs in her teenage years but in adulthood also learned that he
had a second family.
Cycles of Estrangement and Reunification
The majority of participants described years and decades of assessing their relationships
with parents as well as cycles of estrangement and reunification. They spoke about the
frustration associated with craving family or belonging while needing relief from a
relationship imbued with abuse, poor parenting, and betrayal. Many described times
when they felt so worn down by the demands of the parent that they needed distance to
evaluate the relationship and to regroup. It was almost like the participants were
experimenting with being alone at the same time as gathering strength for the next
reunification. (Note, the term reunification here is not cognisant with its usage in
practice. Rather, it refers to a period after estrangement when participants said they
resumed speaking to the parent and there was minimal overt conflict. However, there was
no recognition or resolution of previous issues).
They also described pressure, either from their internal expectations of self or from
others (particularly from partners), to reunify with parents. Pressure was felt most acutely
when the participant discovered that their parent was unwell, alone, or in need. These
pressures would often need to be balanced or justified against their need to feel healthy
and well: “I felt like maybe I should ring my mum because my sister went to visit her and
she said she’s a size 20 and is very unwell… .The guilt started to creep in because I’m the
eldest” (Donna, Interview).
When participants had experienced long-term physical and emotional disconnection
from a nonresidential parent they often felt a need to reconnect as an adult, while others
100 K. Agllias
thought it best to leave alone. As Lori explained: “I just thought everyone else knows
what their dad looks like and I know nothing about him…I just didn’t want to die and
not know what my own dad looks like” (Interview 1).
Participants were often very guarded or cautious during periods of reunification or at
family events. However, experiences of feeling rebuffed or silenced, as well as poor
parenting, abuse, and betrayal that occurred during periods of reunification, often added to
the mounting evidence that the relationship was unbalanced or unhealthy. In these
situations, participants said they became increasingly aware that the relationship was
taking its toll either on their own mental health or their relationships with others
(particularly the time it took from parenting their own children). They spent a lot of time
thinking about the consequences of remaining in the relationship or estranging.
Participants often demonstrated empathy for their parent, being acutely aware that
abuse, poor parenting, and betrayal were fuelled by a number of precursors including;
mental health and substance abuse issues, divorce, large and often reconfigured families,
and periods of crisis. Additionally, many participants pondered the quality of childhood
experienced by their own parents, suggesting that migration, war time deprivation, child
abuse, and poverty contributed to their experiences in the family of origin and beyond.
However, they felt that these experiences were not enough to excuse bad behaviour, and
that the parent was ultimately responsible for the way they responded to their child.
Nothing Will Change
Participants did not take the decision to estrange lightly. Over time—and for many,
cycles of estrangement and reunification—they described personal growth, an increased
clarity about the relationship dynamics, increased distancing, and a developing
understanding that they had little power to change the parent:
Just that moment—it’s like aha, the penny dropped. Up to that point I’d been making
decisions that took me further and further away from the family…decision by decision by
decision we just got further and further away. (Brenda, Interview 1)
For participants who estranged early in their teenage or young adult lives, sporadic or
accidental contact, as well as news from other members of the family, usually fortified their
belief that nothing would change and justified their estrangement decision. At some point
participants in cyclical relationships decided that nothing would change, that their
relationship with the parent was beyond repair. Estrangement often resulted after a minor
incident or act of betrayal that signified the relationship was immovable. Even if this
realisation was not enough for them to make a decision to estrange entirely, or even when
they did not initiate the estrangement, participants generally decided to take control of the
relationship. They put boundaries in place and estranged emotionally, reduced physical
contact, or maintained the parent’s estrangement.
Discussion
This research supports growing evidence that estrangement is not only a complex
phenomenon, but one that develops over time. Estrangement should be viewed as a
process, rather than an event. Adult children reported long-term disconnection and
multiple examples of perceived abuse, poor parenting, and betrayal experienced in their
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family of origin and across their lifetime, aligning with the initial study (Agllias, 2015)
where parents posed a variety of possible contributors to the final estrangement event.
Complexity may also contribute to the confusion parents have reported about their adult
child’s decision to estrange (Agllias, 2015; Carr et al., in press). It appears that the parent
often perceives the adult child as estranging over something unimportant or trivial and
they regularly report that they are unsure of the actual cause (Agllias, 2015; Carr et al.,
in press). However, this study suggests the adult child has often harboured experiences
and feelings of hurt and rejection for long periods and estrangement is not enacted
without forethought. This poses questions about the communication of dissatisfaction in
estranged relationships. Are adult children ineffective in communicating their proble